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GENE'S GUIDE TO SURVIVING A BOSTON WINTER

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2010/01/29 - 14:52 Fri — gene
OTHERWISE KNOWN AS, reason #4711 I am moving to the desert. As posted on the b0st0n livejournal community. Hello. This is my twenty-eighth winter in Boston. I know how it goes. I know how to be warm, in spite of frigid temperatures. It's true. I'll show you how, in this guide which cleverly mixes capitalization and normal speak. I hope you enjoy it.
  • PRE-WINTER COLD TRAINING; In the months leading up to winter, it is important to remain as cold as you can. This way, when it's actually cold and not a balmy 30 - 40 degrees, you will be prepared. The whole point is to be shivering and freezing early, so later when it is ACTUALLY cold, you will barely feel it.
    • Going out for a minute? Wear a t-shirt and shorts.
    • Sleep with your windows open, unless the outdoor temperature reaches below 25 degrees.
    • If you drive, do so with the windows open.
    • Don't wear a hat unless it dips below 20 degrees.
  • LAYERS; It is important that you look like a hobo. The more like a hobo you appear, the warmer you will be. You will know when this effect has been achieved when you notice no one sits next to you any longer on public transportation.
    • TSHIRT
    • THERMAL
    • BUTTON DOWN SHIRT
    • SWEATER/SWEATSHIRT
    • HOODIE
    • WAIST-LENGTH JACKET SUITABLE TO FALL/SPRING
    • LONG WOOL COAT
    • LONG UNDERWEAR OVER REGULAR SIZED UNDERWEAR
  • WARMING ACCESSORIES;
    • BOOTS - I mean come on what century is this?? IT'S 2010 PEOPLE THERE'S NO REASON TO NOT WEAR BOOTS
    • FINGERLESS GLOVES - So you're actually able to function in the real world.
    • CONSTANT HOT CUPS OF COFFEE WITHOUT DE-WARMING SLEEVE - This is to counteract the negative effects fingerless gloves will have on your fingertips.
    • LONG MATTY HAIR  - Stop getting haircuts in September, barely ever wash your hair, this will give your hair a nice mat feeling that will help lock in warmth.
    • A HAT - Make sure this is long enough to cover your ears.
    • FUZZY SOCKS - When the garment district has their 50% off sale, completely buy out their selection of fuzzy, feminine socks.
    • BEER - Try to make sure you have at least a slight buzz at all moments where it is not inappropriate to do so.
    • SMOKE CIGARETTES - This warms your insides and helps you feel bad ass, which brings me to the next topic;
  • WARMING ATTITUDE/BEHAVIOR;
    • Never complain about how cold it is, but complain about others who do complain
    • Rub into everyone's faces about how not cold you are
    • Always face the wind, avoid shelters (for instance at bus stops) because you can handle it
THERE! I hope you have enjoyed this guide. I spent fifteen minutes working on it.